Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
