you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
