I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
