My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
