I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
