My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
