I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
