Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Randomize
