You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
she told me i tasted like america
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
