If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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