Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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