Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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