it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
