Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Randomize
