i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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