Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
