Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
