Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
