Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
