you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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