she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
