He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Randomize
