You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
