I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
How does it feel to date your dad?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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