I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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