my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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