Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
