Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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