i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize