Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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