Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize