party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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