When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
