***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
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