omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Send help, water and tortillas.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize