Just cropdusted the office
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
