I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
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