Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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