At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
