your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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