I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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