There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
