Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I think your dad took our porno
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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