She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
