I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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