So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
