Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Randomize