Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
