genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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