Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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