You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
