Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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