Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
It's shark week go big or go home
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
