A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
