I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
