dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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