I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
