After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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