Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
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