She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
