I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
