you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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